Lyrics: By Title

# A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

(Most songs written by Blumenfield/Quirk/Smallens/Vinton and published by People Suck Music, except for a couple from …Finally and the Christmas Single that were written by Blumenfield/Quirk/Vinton/Wittman and published by People Still Suck Music. Oh, and two covers with additional lyrics, which list their original authors/publishers within the lyrics themselves.)

#

1964

People wore dumb hats, and they fell in love
Cities were good things, someone was president
Nobody drank
but they danced just the same
It was over so fast
no one gave it a name

The world was black and white –in 1964
and the cops carried swords — in 1964
and I wasn’t alive in 1964

Everyone got fat, and forgot to have kids
We bought Manhattan, no one fed the fish
The widows taught sewing
they raised the price of stamps
Civil war began
they invented summer camps

Everyone was friends — in 1964
Everyone was poor — in 1964
and I wasn’t alive in 1964

A

A Texas Sunday

Nothing going on but the weather’s good
My bike’s got a flat like I would take it
Walking round your neighborhood
Nothing looks too sacred

Found a street fair by the closed-down theater
Cheap sneakers but not my size
Same stuff as usual
No beer but curly fries

This is so much fun; when will it end?
Doing nothing wrong; still don’t fit in
This is so much fun; when will it end?
Trying to belong
Try to stay hidden

One thing I never saw before
Can you tell by my expression?
Missile launcher guarded by bored soldiers
Who don’t appreciate questions

Take a good look at a tank
You’ve got nothing smart to say
Little boys in tiny ties
I guess it was Sunday

This is so much fun; when will it end?
Doing nothing wrong; still don’t fit in
This is so much fun; when will it end?
Trying to belong
Try to stay hidden

Two tables of bonsai trees
They, too, were unimpressive
“Hey, look what we can do to these!”
Just seems so aggressive

Nobody sold nothing that
Anybody’d need
I bought a book for fifty cents
I’m never gonna read

B

Bad Dog

I have been: bad dog
I am a bad dog

I hang my head in shame
Bad dog is my name
You can hit me with a stick
I know I deserve it

Shame on me

I hang my head in shame
Bad dog is my name
You can tie me to a tree
I know it means you love me

Shame on me

I met this sex nazi
She locked me in her room
She only has sex with me
Every other June
I met this sex nazi
She wants sex on demand
But when she’s not commanding
I can’t even use my hand

Barney Garden

Can’t afford this city or to move to somewhere else
Looking deeply in your eyes I don’t see any help
Haven’t left home but I’m already lost
Burning bridges that I haven’t even crossed

Hate mistakes that others make
Can’t catch mine till it’s too late
Let the conspiracy theories be true
Just let me say, babe I love you

Hey what’s that red stuff on my fender?
Just drop the gun, man, I surrender
So long as someone knows what’s going on
Just give me something I can count on

Like my buddy said when they let him walk
“Prison is free and I like to suck cock”
I belong inside cuz my mind’s messed up
I respect anybody who has fessed up

More perspective possible
This spy’s life is awful dull
Just like my skull

Hey what’s that red stuff on my fender?
Just drop the gun, man, I surrender
So long as someone knows what’s going on
Just give me something I can count on

Big Gringo

I got a bike
I called it Rosa
I got a car
I called it Rosa, too
It was the only Spanish word I knew

Big Gringo says I’m happy
I am alone I am alive

I met a girl
Named guess what
We went swimming
We did not speak
If we ever have a son I’ll call him John

This giant fan
On my ceiling
Could fall down
Cut me in half
These hotel maids wouldn’t be surprised

Now my skin
it been baked red
Like the hearts
These statues lack
And so they ask for mine

I see blackness I see blue sky
I see treetops I see her

Bored With Love

He bought the girl some flowers
He talked to her for hours
She said she’d had enough
And now he’s bored with love

There’s couples everywhere
­There’s one over there
He’s satisfied with life
She’s his best friend’s wife

Sweet nothing

He took her to a show
Though he didn’t want to go
He said “It’s getting rough
I think I’m out of love”

On a bus they meet
­He offers her his seat
He says he likes her boots
She thinks he’s kind of cute

C

Canadian Girlfriends

When I was 13
I was so confused
And there were sadder kids
The rest of us abused

And every now and then
One of them would claim
He had a girlfriend
With an exotic name

A million minds are dreaming of
A land where freaks earn perfect love

A million minds won’t be denied
They need a place to live inside

It’s a lonely world
Everybody’s scared
All we really want
Is someone else who cares

Now there are nights I dream those girls are real
And I should travel north and find a place to kneel
In a glade somewhere when the daylight ends
I’ll wait for my own Canadian girlfriend

Clowns

When I was a kid my dad had pictures of these clowns
He hung them on my wall and wouldn’t let me take them down
I didn’t understand then and I still can’t figure out
What those goddam clowns were so goddam sad about

A clown was my boss at every job I ever had
And clowns run all the record companies that ever said we’re bad
A clown pretended to be a girl who pretended to be my friend
This world is run by clowns who can’t wait for it to end

I have yet to meet a kid who’s not scared to death of clowns
They can’t walk and they don’t talk they got painted on frowns
A clown with a gun’s something I hope I never see
Would he shoot himself or shoot me

A clown taught every class I took, at my old high school
And clowns all wear speedos when they hang out by the pool
Clowns dress up like cops, and threaten to call my folks
This town is filled with clowns who don’t get my jokes

They fall on their asses
It takes lots of practice

I have nightmares filled with clowns and you’re there too
You have a big red nose and stupid floppy shoes
You’re becoming one I can see the signs
I hate clowns almost as much as I hate mimes

Connecticut

Come on down to the edge of the woods
We all live at the edge of the woods
Inside a shack at the edge of the woods
Cuz everything happens at the edge of the woods

Join us where it’s safe and good
Me and Peter and the Wolf and the three little pigs
The devil walks his dog at the edge of the woods
The people are small but the houses are big

Come on down, come on down
Come on down to the edge of the woods

Welcome to our home sweet home
We built it for you at the edge of the woods
On every lawn there’s a family of gnomes
They won’t hurt you if you do what you should

We’ll have you for dinner at the edge of the woods
Cuz something’s always cooking at the edge of the woods
Hey good looking at the edge of the woods
We eat Gretel steaks and Red Riding Hoods

It’s dark at night but that’s all right
Thing’s are out of sight inside the woods
There’s nothing to fear, we’re all friends here
You can sleep for years inside the woods

There’s a six foot squirrel named Grip
He lives underneath my bed
He’ll rip off your step-mother’s head
He’ll tear her throat to shreds

Come on down to the edge of the woods
We all live at the edge of the woods
La la la la la at the edge of the woods
Nyeah nyeah nyeah at the edge of the woods

Crush Story

You could power a city with this
I am useless, I am a mess
I am the smallest giant ever

Don’t know how long it’s gonna last
Everything’s moving fast
I am the smallest giant ever

Everything you’ve ever said is brilliant
Anything you wanna do is fine with me
This is much better than love, babe
This is a crush story

Misunderstand me
Hey miss, understand me
I just wanna lay my head in your lap

Everything you’ve ever said is brilliant
Anything you wanna do is fine with me
This is much better than love, babe
This is a crush story

D

Death Ray Machine

Gonna take more time
We’ll need a lot of money
Perfected the design
We just need the funding

I haven’t felt this safe
since before the A-bomb fell
Don’t think this is heaven
Then you can go to hell

I wanna change the world
But I can’t even change myself

Helicopters patrol the golf course
Just cuz they can, I guess
Flags in parking meters each holiday
Nothing much, but we do our best

Take more time, need a lot of money
Take more time, need a lot of money

I pointed my death ray machine the wrong way

We got our own newspaper
But we borrow the opinions
Bring dinner in the den
Watch ourselves on television

Put the dishes in the sink
Kiss the kids goodnight
Tie a yellow ribbon
Round everything in sight

Different Galaxies

The universe is expanding
It’s flying apart at the speed of light
It’s way beyond all understanding
At least it’s way beyond mine tonight

We live on the skin of a bubble
It stretches and grows like a toy balloon
And I think that’s the source of my trouble
Been light years apart since this afternoon

Lost in space, look how we’re dressed
It’s obvious we’re powerless
Don’t blame yourself, don’t get depressed
Different galaxies, the same address

Stars burn and then die in the silence
Whenever we speak on the telephone
I casually observe the violence
I quietly ask what time you’ll be home

I’m getting a good education
Know more than I want about entropy
The black holes in our conversation
Are multiplying exponentially

Don Quixote

Don Quixote, Don Quixote
What do you want from me Don Quixote?

Al Pacino, you’re in movies
And plays too
You look like Dustin Hoffman
But you don’t win awards
What do you want from me Al Pacino?

Mahatma Gandhi, they made a movie about you
Starring Benny Kingsley
Lots of people saw it
It won academy awards
What do you want from me Mahatma Gandhi?

I’m just a guy and I don’t why
And I don’t know what and I guess I never will
I went to school and I learned your names
But I’ve learned more from movie screens

Mr. Nietzche, God is dead
So is Nietzche
What do you want from me Mr. Neitzche?

Jesus Christ, you were God’s son
At least for a while
They put you on a cross
Why can’t I be you?
What do you want from me Jesus Christ?

Donna Everywhere

I met her at the movies, she was there on her own
A bargain matinee
Theater deserted, she sat right next to me
Can’t remember what played that day

She leans, real near
She whispers in my ear
I blink, she grins
Choke on my M & M’s

The lights went down
That lion roared
Donna got down on the floor

Losing my mind, but I don’t care
I see Donna everywhere
Down by the lake side, in a lawn chair
Donna, Donna, everywhere

She agreed to move in, but my dog made her sneeze
So I gave the dog away
Should’ve kept the dog, given her to my friend
Cause he took her anyway

Those lips, those eyes
That tattoo on her thigh
White teeth, red hair
She hated underwear

Is this real
Or in my head?
Donna’s dancing on my bed

Drum Machine

I am Elmer J. Fudd, millionaire
I own a mansion and a yacht
and a car and a plane and a gun
and a drum machine

There’s a band in the studio right next to us
We think that their brains are filled with pus
We wish that they’d go home on a bus
and take their drum machine

I am Mr. Eddie’s Father
My best friend is Uncle Norman
Eddie plays with Mrs. Livingston
and his drum machine

I am an antichrist
I am an anarchist
I know what I want and I’m gonna get
a drum machine

There’s a band in the studio right next to us
We wish that they’d get run over by a bus
and leave their drum machine to us
We want their drum machine

We really need a drum machine
We could write lots of songs that were really keen
and get on MTV and be seen
If we had a drum machine

The perfect Christmas gift to a band from its fans
is a drum machine
We don’t know how to use one but we could learn
If it came with instructions that would be real good

Drunk and in Love

She’s visiting a cousin or someone
I’m with the only friend I could find
She’s just as close as that pay phone
I’ll call collect she won’t mind

I’ll make fun of her ex-boyfriend
I’ll ask her what she wants to name our kids
She’ll tell me she can’t live without me
I’ll call her Nancy till she calls me Sid

Nothing really matters
Everything reminds me of
the fact that nothing matters
when you’re drunk and in love

Spent my last dollar on a silk purse in Chinatown
It’s got this picture of a pumpkin
I don’t even know if she’ll like it (don’t matter)
I just want to give her something

All the dead ducks in the windows
are croaking out my happy song
All the junkies wiping windshields
they can’t help but sing along

She’s asleep in some other time zone
I’m with a friend who wonders where I’ve been
I want to tell her why she’s so amazing
She’s not here so I’ll just tell him

I’ll tell her how much I miss her
I’ll ask her if she’s wearing any clothes
I’ll ask her what she’d do if I died tomorrow
I’ll make her tell me something no one knows

I’ll tell her all about the silk purse
that was gonna be a surprise
I’ll tell her what I want for Christmas
I’ll sing a song about her eyes

E

Even The Queen

I fell asleep to the sound of motorboats
dragging the lake, sheriff clears his throat
sounds carry very far at night

Looked so long for some common bond
There it is at the bottom of the pond
The mayor’s daughter won’t come back this time

Even the Queen
Even the Queen
Even the Queen has been here

Tried to shake his hand but he only had one arm
Here’s my sorry smile, there goes all my charm
What was my face like before?

He said never mind, it’s a stupid story
Mine eyes have seen the glory
Seen the glory but now they’re bored

Once in a while you think
Once in a while you drink
Once in a while you find
Once in a while you don’t mind

It’s a scary world, people are frightening
But I love the thunder, I love the lightning
My dog thinks I know what to do

Once in a while you get the feeling
Nothing’s wrong, it’s like you’re stealing
A moment that wasn’t meant for you

My heart is pure though I’ve tried to soil it
Even the king died upon the toilet
Do not go gentle into that food fight

Born with a scream you die with a whimper
In between you must lose your temper
Thank you very much good night

F

Frustrated

I’m so
I’m so
I’m so

Frustrated
Yeah, yeah frustrated
Yeah, yeah

Your friends
Your friends
Your friends are so

Overrated
Yeah, yeah frustrated
Yeah, yeah

Here I am on my knees
Stop and start no release
This lab rat wants his cheese

This is the sound
Of one man snapping
Everything has been

Confiscated
Yeah, yeah, frustrated
Yeah yeah

“Sit down we need to talk”
Is when I get up to go
Every time I ask what’s wrong
You say, “I don’t know”

Makes me frustrated
Yeah, yeah frustrated

G

G.I. Jesus

Make up your own — that’s what we did

Get Me Out Of Here

A flood-lit Virgin Mary
Stares down at a mile-wide pit
Half this city fell inside
When they tunneled under it

And everybody here
Lives life upside down
Because everybody’s dreaming
About what’s underground

Right now I might be seeing double
That just makes it twice as clear
I would jump that mile-wide pit
If it would get me out of here

They had all-night restaurants
A hundred years ago
They started digging for silver
When they’d dug up all the gold

In the hometown of Evel
I ordered humorous drinks
Got a lot of great stories
So what if my life stinks

He realized long ago
What just occurred to me
If you can’t live well
Then die fantastically

I’ll douse myself in gasoline
Roll myself to city hall
If I live or if I die
All the people will applaud

Gods Make Love

On my back beneath the sun
Watching what the clouds become
Sometimes you get this feeling
Laughed out loud some people stared
Are your sins forgiven or your faults repaired?
Some ideas are unappealing

In the middle, they are gentle and serene
But on the edges, things get violent
This is almost obscene

Now everything you think is real
So only think the things you should
Everyone I hate’s OK
Everything is bad and good

No one’s nice
In paradise
This is how the gods make love
Every touch
Means too much
This is how the gods make love

Everybody they look just like little birds
They say fuck me
They say feed me
But they use so many words

Now I must tear you apart
To the middle of the center of your secret heart
One more thing, for you to fear
The sky is heaving, the sea is calm
As beautiful as the atom bomb
Close my eyes, you disappear

Good Kill

Some people think that they’re in commercials
Some people treat you like you don’t exist
Sometimes I’d like to go to a McDonald’s
Shoot some people as they walk in my sights
All the same I’d never join the army
All the same I’m still ashamed at night

C’mon baby let’s fight the good fight
Against all good fights

Some people think Rod McKuen is a poet
Some people think there’s evil folks and good
Some people vote to electrocute the bad ones
They stand outside the prison and cheer when the lights go dim
I know everybody is my brother
Even my brother though I don’t care much for him

Goodbye Ohio

There’s no one famous from my hometown
Unless you count one astronaut
Who’s never been to space
And probably never will
But he’s our hero, still

Must be tough on the astronauts
I bet they get bored easily
Cuz how does it feel
To look up at the moon
And say, “Yeah, I’ve been there”

Cold in this place
It’s lonely in space
Goodbye Ohio

Saw this guy on the Tonight Show
Kayacked his way to Hawaii
The host was amazed
“What will you do next?”
“Write the book, I guess”

I’m no fool, but I’m no Einstien
I’m bothered by infinity
No laws on the moon
But you still can’t burn the flag
It might be cool to try

Floating in space
I see God’s face
It’s just some clouds

Gramatan

Gramatan
You stupid Indian
You thought you had the best of us
No man owns the land
Now these houses cost five hundred K
We wouldn’t sell you one anyway
Gramatan
You crazy Indian
You’re not like the rest of us
You’ll never understand

First comes the snow
Then come the rains
The kids go to day camps
With Indian names

It’s getting dark
Go on and make your mark
Then come and have a drink with us
Tell us what’s in your heart

Gramatan
You crazy Indian
You’re gonna learn to think like us
No man owns the land

Grandma Went to Athens, Once

The sun’s sinking into the sea
It looks like the end of me
It’s burning up the sea
That sun it burned up me
Just once

There’s steam rising off the bay
Everyone get out of its way
This world’s inside my head
My head’s inside this world

I bought myself a little souvenir
Stupid little T-Shirt says I was here
Those waves are waving at me
Why can’t they let me be

The moon’s pulling out the tide
It’s pulling out my insides
That moon looks a little too wide
It’ll go out if I close my eyes

H

Half Life

There is no space
For what you need to know
On the forms that I must fill out
I’m happiest alone
I’m miserable that way
All this stuff just wants to spill out

I take pleasure in the simple things
I love my headphones and my wedding ring

Are you talking to me now or reading from a script?
What’s that supposed to mean you say you anna be yourself?
I don’t think you even know just who the hell that is
You spend half your life pretending you’re like everybody else
Like everybody else

I tell the same joke
Many different ways
But you never seem to get it
You’re jerking off
To catalogs
Don’t you feel a bit pathetic?

You spend half your life remembering your life when you were young
And half your life dreaming how much better life could get
Every time you make a choice, hey, half your life is gone
All you got’s a few big dreams divided into many small regrets
Like everybody else

Never take any pictures
Just try to remember
All I remember is trying
Here’s a story I like
I think it happened to me
I don’t even know if I’m lying

Hello Love Tractor

“Hello Love Tractor,” I wrote on the wall
Between a bunch of bands with better names
Hate anyone who can play guitar
Wish this club would go up in flames
Best argument for never drinking again
ee in a bar when you’re sober
Frightening scrawls scream from every wall
Frat boys, poets and soldiers

Something’s curious
Someone’s furious
Watch your step

The nasty feeling lingers
Too true to be beautiful
Like newsprint on your fingers
Too true to be beautiful

I’ve been to every state but one
It’s a great big old country
Nobody’s got anything in common
Everybody wants to punch me
I still think America’s great
I still love my country
Nobody’s got anything in common
Everyone can talk about tv

Staying out too late
Avoid the interstate
Stay awake

That nasty feeling won’t go
Too true to be beautiful
Still tastes the same tomorrow
Too true to be beautiful

Serious as your first hangover
It’s as real as your last nightmare
Well hello all six of you
Hello hello anyone out there
Hope this finds you well
Hope this just finds you
What the hell

Here’s To Eternity

It’s hard to be real when you’re made out of would you let me buy you a drink it slowly it can hurt your throat is beautiful are those real it’s hard to tell sometimes I drink alone but tonight I don’t think, so

Here’s to you and here’s to me
And here’s to eternity

I like rocks they last a while I see your point I beg to differ take my word I don’t need it’s not like that at all these people hate their jobs and so they die and so here’s to them and here’s to me and here’s to eternity

Bodies get in the way out west nobody has them they shed them long ago I knew a guy like that’s what he said I don’t know where he is now I’ll never see him again which is too long for me, so here’s to eternity

Here’s to the clouds up in the sky
And here’s to the ones down on the ground
Here’s to my dad cuz he’s made out of glass
And here’s to all the people who have kicked me in the ass
Here’s to all the dogs that are dead
Here’s to all the dogs in my head
Here’s to all the fish in the sea
Here’s to the shark who’s staring at me
Here’s to the bartender he’s my friend
Here’s to songs that know when to end

Hey Merlin

The path to the house is overgrown
The door swings open
There is no one home
They say a man lived here many years ago
But what happened to this man no one knows

They say he had some magic friends
And they all met tragic ends
Banished and scattered the wizards died
And now all the legends lie

Hey Merlin, Hey Merlin
Don’t believe a word they say
Hey Merlin, Hey Merlin
It was worth it anyway
Living backwards in time
Losing your mind

You fall from grace before you’re there
They soil your name to protect theirs
All laughter and joking is illegal now
They’d ridicule you but they don’t know how

How To Be Happy

I’ve got the tiniest bedroom
It’s gigantic without you
La la la la la la la la
Is yours too big too?

In your dreams everything’s important
Till you wake up the next day
Can’t remember what the big deal was
Try to live my whole life that way

I’ve learned how to stay
Now I’m learning not to care
Asleep half the day
Now I’m learning not to care
Never leave this bed of mine
Other beds just can’t compare
Learning how to be happy
And learning not to care

La la la la la la la la
Hung a big map on the wall
And I’ve stuck on these gold stars
Everywhere I’ve been before

Got a star in Paris, France
Got a star in Hollywood
You get to name your own star
If your telescope is good

I’ve learned how to stay
Now I’m learning not to care
Asleep half the day
Now I’m learning not to care
Other folks as far away
As the stars at which I stare
Learning how to be happy
And learning not to care

La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la
Now my life is like a montage sequence
Only feel one way always

I’ve got the tiniest bedroom
It’s gigantic without you
Do they have bedrooms where you are?
La la la la la la

Hugo!

Another hero has failed me
He’s a guest VJ on MTV
Jack’s in his corset, Janie’s in her vest
Lou’s hawking scooters and American Express

Guys quote Michael Stipe in bars
To pick up girls who own their cars
While we renounce what we once loved
To prove that we can rise above

Hugo, Hugo
Hugo doesn’t have these faults
Hugo, Hugo
He is pure and he is good

Now don’t believe it when you’re told
“I hope I die before I get sold”
Every great band should be shot
Before they make their Combat Rock

Hugo, Hugo
He won’t ever let me down
Hugo, Hugo
He is pure and he is good

Hugo’s not afraid to cry
Hugo is an OK guy

I

I Believe in Something

Swimming neath the continents
Swirling through the sky
Is everything I don’t know yet
And still won’t when I die

For I am just a little thing
Astounded by everything
The wet grass beneath my feet
The tall towers of concrete

If I was God, no one would doubt it
We wouldn’t need church to get
The mystery that we once knew
The something we forget

I believe I’m a totally modern boy
But turn out the light, and I believe in something
Don’t anna be some evil giant’s toy
When it’s late at night, I believe in something

My friend had his death foretold
When he was twenty-six years old
I say the right things they’re no help
His body slowly eats itself

If I was God, no one would doubt it
No one would suspect
That there was nothing I could do
With my greater intellect

I believe in these tiny little pills — I believe in something
Mystic words on the backs of dollar bills — I believe in something

I’m swimming neath the continents
I’m swirling through the air
Can’t see the bones beneath my skin
But I know that they’re there

I believe that my little heart’s diseased — I believe in something
I’d like to think there are people just like me — I believe in something
I believe what they taught me in grade school
History is made by handsome dudes
I believe everything on television
Twelve step programs are the new religion
Gideon bibles make good rolling papers
The just prevail sooner or later
I believe I will live forever
I believe it all
I swear to whatever

I Don’t Know

Wish I was black
Wish I was gay
Wish there was a reason
That I felt this way

I’m ahead of my time, but only by a week
This is my happening, and it makes me freak

What’re all these people doing here?
I don’t know
Why do they all look so weird?
I don’t know
Why can’t I love everyone?
I don’t know
Does anyone care
Is anyone there
Just want to meet one

Try to get excited
But I just get scared
Kiss me on the mouth
Kiss me everywhere

You call that a dog?
No, I don’t want some smoke
I’ve never met the poor, but all my friends are broke

What’re all these people doing here?
I don’t know
Why do they all look so weird?
I don’t know
How much before it explodes?
I don’t know
Does anyone care
Is anyone there
I just want to know

If I Was A Mekon

If I was a Mekon
I’d drink pints of beer
If I was a Mekon
And talk about Adorno
If I was a Mekon
I’d have a lot of friends
If I was a Mekon
Everything would be ok
I’d have a lot to say
No one would look at me that way

And a Mekon is a really good thing
A Mekon is a really good thing
A Mekon is a really good thing to be

Let me be a Mekon
If I was a Mekon
I would be from Leeds
If I was a Mekon
Maybe I could sleep with Sally
If I was a Mekon
Or Tommy one night in Chicago
If I was a Mekon
We’d smile a lot the next day
We’d never talk about it again
But we’d be that much closer friends

And a Mekon is a really good thing
A Mekon is a really good thing
A Mekon is a really good thing to be

Permettez moi d’etre un Mekon

I’m Your Wallet

I’m your wallet
Once upon a time I was your pal
Yeah, I’m your wallet
That’s ok because you’re my gal

Buried inside of me
Is a picture of the way we used to be
Keep me in your pocket
Melt me like a piece of chocolate

I’m your wallet
A joke you made
I’m your wallet
Believe me baby it’s a fair trade

I climbed the ladder
Till I made it to the last rung
Waiting at the top
Was the bottom of the next one

Buried inside of me
Is a picture of the way we used to be
In the back out of view
Is some change I kept from you

Buried inside of me
Is a picture of the way we used to be
You’re looking kind of bored
I guess I never noticed that before

In Perpetuity

In perpetuity
All throughout the universe
You and me
Past end of time and edge of earth

Heard a man sing a song
sweeter than anything
Wanna hear that song
For the first time
Just one more time
First time one time more

In perpetuity
All throughout the universe
You and me
Past end of time and edge of earth
Just you and you and me and you

There is cause and effect
And there is just because
Just because I’m helpless
Just because I am helpless
Just because I’m yours

Don’t you know
Nothing is ever enough
Ain’t you learned
Nothing is ever enough

Heard a man sing a song
I’d heard ten times before
Wanna hear that song
for the first time
just one more time
first time one time more

In perpetuity
All throughout the universe
You and me
past end of time and edge of space
I fall forever in your face
The edge of space and the end of time
I am yours and you are mine

Innocents Ablaze

Thirteen hurting nite-lite years
Spent sitting at the kiddie table
Till an uncle coughs and chokes and goes
And then there’s room for you

Eighteen screaming recess bodies
Bursting through the sky
Little burning third grade pilots
Trying their best to fly

And they’re just as mad as you
And they don’t know what to do

And they’re stubbing toes and bruising shins
And scraping little kiddie chins
And that can really hurt really bad
Really

Nineteen laughing drinking buddies
Taking shots with you
Stumbling head over shoelaces
In the mud with you

J

James Dean’s Jacket

I don’t have to light the cigarette
Cuz they haven’t noticed me yet
And I, I wanna look like that
Or a picture on your wall

I don’t have to light that cigarette
And don’t bury me I’m not dead yet
And I, I wanna look like that
Be a picture on your wall

I bought the coat
I wore the coat
I got lost in the coat
I never took it off

You’re the only person you hate more than yourself
You’re your own worst enemy
And you know you wanna look like that
Be a picture on my wall

Just Around the Bend

Just around the bend
There are some people
They gonna be our friends
Just around the bend
It’s spring then summer
Then spring then spring again

Around the bend
This road has got to end

Sweat in my eye
My head it aches my feet they hurt
Throat is getting dry
My fingernails are caked with dirt

This is not what I asked for
This was meant for someone else
All we want
Is a little for myself

Just around the bend
There is a cafe
Best food you ever ate
It don’t cost nothing
They let you break the plates

Bugs on the windshield
These wipers don’t do anything
Holes in the floorboard
Scrape the skin right off my feet

Seems we been driving always
This old car ain;t even mine
Odometer is turning
Watch it read 999999

Just around the bend
There is a woman
The one you’re waiting for
We’ll ditch this old car
Won’t need it any more

Just around the bend
There is a woman
She’s gonna comfort you
Just around the bend
You do what you want
I do what I want, too

Just Like A Man

The words were in my head
The gun was on the shelf
Found the ammo in his pocket
I felt like someone else

I stalked my lover’s wife
Shot her in the chest
Picked the kids up from the sitter’s
stopped for beer and cigarettes

With my husband’s gloves
On my tiny hands
I walked like I was bigger
I walked just like a man

Sweating in the bed
Sheets around our knees
He whispered his plan
kissed my forehead, I agreed

There’s this creeping evil
That I’m trying to outrun
I wake up in the night
I remember what I’ve done

With my husband’s gloves
On my tiny hands
I walked like I was bigger
I walked just like a man

Under orders
Programmed
I am blameless

K

Kicking (That Gone Fishing Song)

Today I grew up, I woke up I threw up
Girlfriend was snoring, and it was boring
I just turned 23, what did you get for me
I’m having a party and you can’t come

I met my brother’s ghost, I made myself some toast
I took it all in stride, and then I went outside
I climbed up a tree, I shouted look at me
Nobody answered, cuz I have cancer
I feel my body burn, I’ve got a lot to learn
I have lost my pride, I am dissatisfied
Everything tastes sour, I have no power
I cannot sing, I hate everything

Gone fishing

At the hospital, I met this girl
She was a nurse, her favorite song was “Worse”
She said “I really wanna be a dancer
It’s too bad you have cancer,
Cuz we could’ve been best friends
There’s this restaurant I recommend.”
I would just float away
But I’ve got a lot to do today

The Kids Don’t Understand

Well they flash
Those half-knowing smiles
As they pass
Heroic profiles
Like they’re in some book by Ayn Rand
Always working, always tanned
So satisfied but the kids don’t understand

You kiss her
Don’t even love you
It’s a blur
She’s getting on top of you
Sometimes you see stuff nobody planned
Stick your head back in the sand
Oh, don’t worry cause the kids don’t understand

Stuck your hands in the wet cement
In the soft spot of my skull

Well it stings
Lick your wounds if I could
No such thing
As a normal childhood
Give ‘em paper, scissors and crayons
Give all those concerned a big hand
Maybe they deserve it, but the kids don’t understand

Stuck your hands in the wet cement
in the soft spot of my skull

We’re not dumb
Even if you spell it
We catch on
Don’t have to yell it
I see her flinch, when you raise your hand
There’s not too much that the kids don’t understand

King Fred

It’s a great big city mostly ugly partly pretty
Eight million souls surround him but he’s utterly alone
He lives high above the ground and he rarely makes a sound
He’s in charge of everything

His name is King Fred

His fortress of power is a hundred year old tower
It used to be the only one
But the buildings got taller and the people got smaller
And everyone forgot they had a king

All bow down to King Fred

King of Beers

Gonna feel like hell tomorrow
So I won’t go to sleep tonight
Na na na na na na sorrow
Everything’s gonna be all right

I am invincible
I have no fear
I am benevolent
I am the king of beers

I love all my friends
I wish they would go away
I say stupid things
Forgotten them all by Monday
Please don’t remind me

A man’s bar is his castle
And this stool is my throne
Why am I such an asshole?
Why am I here alone?

She’s so beautiful
I swear I’d sleep with her brother
I’m so beautiful
I never met her but I love her
Please look over here

I’d take a trip
But anywhere I went
My head would come along with me

L

Life is Flowers

La la la la
Do do do do
Milk the cow, boy

I am cowboy
You are cowgirl
We live in
A very happy farm world

Everything is green
Everything smells nice
Farmer Brown
Gives us advice

Life is good
Life is flowers

There is a house
Atop the hill
Cowboys go in
And don’t come out

Everything is green
Everything smells nice
I think I’d like
To see that house

Long Haired Guys From England

All the girls in the music biz
Have credit cards they subscibe to Ms.
But they only want to fuck
Long haired guys from England

There’s this girl at my record company
I dig her but she doesn’t like me
I met her boyfriend the other night
He had a pony tail and he didn’t talk right

He was a long haired guy from England
Long haired guy from United Kingdom

All the girls in this here bar
Will treat you like you’re a star
Don’t get excited it’s just luck
They’ll ignore you if the guy from the Cult shows up

Cuz he’s a long haired guy from England
Long haired guy from United Kingdom

I’m getting on an aeroplane
Going someplace where the girls are sane
I bet in London I could get a date
Cuz I’m a short haired guy from the United States

I’m not a long haired guy from England
Long haired guy from United Kingdom

That’s the end of this here song
It’s about as short as my hair is long
So I’m getting on my motorbike
Going someplace where the girls don’t like

M

Magic

I have walked down train tracks drunk at three a.m.
It’s no great trick, it’s not magic
When the trains don’t run till six

That’s the kind of guy I am
The kind of guy who needs a girl
Who hates guys like me

That’s the kind of world this is
The kind of world that spins
Despite guys like me

If my muscles were just as big as my brains
I’d have to fuck them up, too
I’d have to fuck up guys like you

That’s the kind of guy I am
The kind of guy whose bleeding heart
Is on my sleeve

That’s the kind of world this is
The kind of world that spins
Despite you and me

If I had a magic wand
I’d wave it once and fake the rest
A ritual must be performed
Before we honor your request

Making Fun of Bums

Dad sold the house now I’m homeless too
The world looks kinda big today
Making fun of bums
Bad karma thing to do
I guess I’ll sleep here tonight

I got a real cool poster but no walls to hang it on
And I got this evil head still no walls to bang it on

I wish I was as cool as Calvin
This sorta thing wouldn’t bother me

If I had a billion dollars
I’d buy back my goddamn room

I gotta TV set but nowhere to plug it in
There’s this girl I met but no room to hug her in

Map Like Mine

Looking for someone with a map like mine
Hardest thing to find
Is somebody with a map like mine

I found this map a long time ago
And I’ll never give it up
Pieces are missing but someday I’ll find
Somebody with the rest of a map like mine

You’ve got roads where I’ve got trees
You’ve got land where I’ve got seas
You think you know but you don’t see
That I’ve got roads where you’ve got trees

I found this map a long time ago
And I’ll never give it up
Half of it’s missing but someday I’ll find
A pretty girl
Someone

Mary Matalin

Mary’s got some juicy facts
She’s going to relate them
Boss can’t get away with that
And so he delegates ‘em

Mary looks into the lens
And says what she’s supposed to
Despite the evil she intends
She’s someone I feel close to

In spite of all her calculations
We could dance to a rock and roll station
It would be all wrong
But it would feel all right

Here comes Mary
She looks just like your friend
Here comes Mary
Mary Matalin

Mary looks into my eyes
And says just what she has to
We both know she lies
She does it really bad, too

She loves her boss, her loyalty
Has been amply demonstrated
Life is best when it’s simple
And better when it’s complicated

Here comes Mary
She looks just like your friend
There goes Mary
There she goes again

Mrs. Now

Sitting on my couch
Trying to decide what’s appropriate
It’s kind of strange
Don’t worry bout me I can cope with it

Did I sit too close?
Please don’t get the wrong idea
Still, it beats the phone
It’s just so good to have you here

We’ll just be friends
We never, ever kept that vow
That was then, you’re Mrs. now
We’ll just pretend
Nothing happened, anyhow
That was then, you’re Mrs. Now

Me, I’m doing fine
Did I tell you I like your hair like this?
There was a time . . .
Well, it’s better not to reminisce

You call that a kiss?
You treat me like I’m your brother
Yes, he’s very nice
Wish we just despised each other

My Past Lives

I was Genghis Khan, I was Aristophanes
I was a guy named Urgh in 50,000 BC
I was Rasputin, and all the chicks he had
I was Catherine the Great, I was my mom and dad

I’ve been a butcher, I’ve been a baker, I have been a bookmaker
I have skippered clipper ships and dug for undertakers
I’ve lived to be 98 and I have died when I was 4
I’ve lived thru war and peace and war and war and war and war

I could write a book about my past lives
I should write a book about my past lives
I died three times at Waterloo
This life’s not the best life but at least I’m not you

I was Abe Lincoln, I was all the slaves he freed
This life’s not the best life but at least you’re not me
I been French Noblemen, I been Russian peasants
I been somebodies, nobodies, once I was a pheasant

I was there when Caesar bled, I followed where Moses led
I wrote the words Mohammed said,
Kissed the ground where St. Paul tread
I was best man when Henry wed, put the crown on George’s head
I slept in Washington’s bed, I shot John F. Kennedy dead

I watched Atlantis sink below
Hung out with Bowie at the Alamo
I didn’t like being Edgar Allen Poe
I was sick a lot when I was Rimbaud

I helped the Druids build Stonhenge
Me and Buddha invented Zen
Once I borrowed Shakespeare’s pen
Joan of Arc was my best friend

My Place

The chair’s in the corner
The pens are in the drawer
The carpet is blue
And a lock is on the door
The shades are drawn
My rope is on the rafter
The TV echoes the sound of Muppet laughter

I know my place and it knows me
Everyone’s nice and everything’s free

I’ll stand right here
I’ll hide my face
No I won’t talk
I know my place

It’s a world of no anger
A world of scotch and wine
A world of common sense
A world that is mine

Tripping in my room
A place where I can sing
I never want to leave
A place where I am king

From wall to wall is nineteen years
Fifteen feet and ninety-nine beers
From wall to wall is ninety-nine years
Fifteen feet and ninety-nine beers

You’re fucking me up, Kurt

Mystery Limousine

Gliding down the street
Gliding down from heaven
Big black limousine
Created by the gods

Who-oo’s inside?
Who-oo-oo?

Gleaming metal
Three blocks long and
Five blocks wide
Mystery limousine
Yeah.

You can look and
You can dream but
You can’t ride
Mystery limousine
Yeah.

Driver’s got sunglasses
I bought a pair just like him
Now my eyes are just like limo windows

Who-oo’s inside?
Who-oo-oo?

Gleaming metal
Three blocks long and
Five blocks wide
Mystery limousine
Yeah.

Police escort
Stopping traffic
Naked girls astride
Mystery limousine
Yeah.

Limo picked up a hitchhiker
They found him by the side of the road
His twisted, broken body
In a pool of red, red blood
Gravel, glass and black paint
Unseeing open eyes

N

Navigator

There’s no one on the road
And that’s all right with me
I’m driving all alone
But I’ve got company, you see

The navigator smiles
The road goes on for miles

There’s an ocean on my right
Am I driving north or south
Well I don’t know

Even a factory’s pretty
Alone by the sea
A factory can be pretty
The navigator agrees with me

The fog is rolling in
I’m driving kind of slow
The trip will take a while
But I’ve got nowhere to go, you know

I guess that factory’s pretty
Sitting by the sea
A factory can be pretty
Have some kind of majesty to me

Never Work

Walking down the city streets
My favorite sneakers on my feet
Shine so bright they hurt my eyes
There is magic in the skys
Behind the windows
And in the shadows

I like the picture in my hotel room
It is bolted to the wall
I like the lights outside my window
I like the long walk down the hall

Never work!
Get around the hardest part

Elevator in that building
Full of people thinking bout killing
Time or each other
So look out brother
They never touch they rarely speak
They stare at the brown shoes on their feet

There is a room inside my room
There is fruit on every tree
There is a devil outside my window
He’s got a fat paycheck for me

Get around the hard part
Run around after dark

No Beer

I don’t like it when there’s no beer
There’s no beer now and I feel that way
And I don’t like it when you’re not here
So why don’t you just go away

I really like it when you talk to me
But then I figure I’ve said to much
And I like it a whole lot when I get things for free
Sometimes it’s nice just to be touched

Walk and talk and walk some more
Yeah, I know it’s hard to do both at once
Some things need to be sat down for
And sometimes you’ve just got to run

I get mad when the phone’s not for me
It’s ringing now, but there’s no one home
I don’t like it when your line’s busy
But then I figure I’ve said too much

I don’t like it when there’s no beer
There’s no beer now and I feel that way
I hate it to death when you’re not here
You’re not here now cuz I went away

No One Can Be That Stupid

Swimming in the pool
Five years out of school
And my girl, she’s there too
She says your favorite game
is “I’m drowning, will she save me?”
I can’t play those games no more

No one can be
No one can be
No one can be that stupid

Wanna know which one’s you
What you think or what you do
You say we’ve got some news for you kid
We got some new laws
Designed to protect you and yours
Now no one can be that stupid

Words are criminals
Kid, I kid you not
I meant just what I said
But what I said I forgot

Not sure which one’s me
And my girl, she wonders, too
She says, “Tell me, Dad
How’d things get so bad?
You said no one could be that stupid

No Reason

Talking to myself while I’m walking down the street
I guess that’s OK I fit right in
City living, man you know it can’t be beat
Couple years ago I would’ve been frightened
Saw you down the block and I felt just like a spy
Should’ve said hello but I couldn’t resist
Watching you watch yourself in every window you went by
I, too, am guilty of this

No reason for these thoughts
No reason for these deeds
No reason’s all the reason anybody needs
Lost in the teeming masses
But you got cool sunglasses
No reason’s all the reason anybody needs

Cabbie knows the city his mind is like a map
He will drive you anyplace you say
Would he know the way if I said take me to you fast?
Why should he do this anyway?

No reason for these thoughts
No reason for these deeds
No reason’s all the reason anybody needs
Don’t know my neighbor’s names
Everybody looks the same
No reason’s all the reason anybody needs

This suitcase has a little bomb inside it
Don’t worry, there’s no need to get excited

Now I can’t stand people who cop an attitude
And I just plain can’t stand cops
And I can’t just stand around like all these other dudes
Those horns honk on and on it never stops

No Rope

No rope, I got no hope

Tied in a knot
I’m tied to a chair
You can never move
When your rope’s not there
When I get it back
I’ll finally be free
But life without a rope
Spells the end for me

It’s gone, it’s gone
I had it only yesterday
It’s gone, it’s gone
I think my rope has gone away

You can’t hang on when you’ve got no hope
You can’t hang yourself without a rope

Nothing On My Mind

It’s not important
This stuff that I’m afraid of
I’ve got a bugle someplace
Let’s get a parade up
We’re near the water
I know a guy with a boat
It doesn’t have any motor
We can just sit and float

I’ll give you a coloring book
You can draw outside the lines
I’ve got nothing on my mind

My cousin died at a Who concert
He was camping out in line
Me and him went camping, once
I’ve got nothing on my mind
That’s my favorite song
Baby do you wanna dance
If you’re happy and you know it
You got to clap your hands

I’m out of control
Je t’aime le rock and roll

O

The Otter Song

Oh, otters never cry
Cuz they always got the water in their eye
And baby when I die
I wanna be an otter

Otters sure can swim
I got an otter and I named it Tim
I sure do admire him
I wanna be an otter

Otters might not work
But that doesn’t make the otter a jerk
I wanna be Tim Otter Quirk
I wanna be an otter

Now you might think it’s dumb
To wanna be an otter bum
But if you don’t then you’re welcome to come
And be an otter

Otters might not fly
But they don’t need to get high
And baby when I die
I wanna be an otter

P

Parachute

Floating around
High above ground
Barely a sound
Everybody’s waving
My life’s in your hands
Can I have the next dance
Hey is that Kansas?
Here comes the pavement

Don’t know what to do
Where’s my parachute?

Up in the breeze
Looking down at the trees
I’m on TV
Everybody’s waving
This is a business, son
Guess I’m a businessman
We mean business, man
Here comes the pavement

The girl has my heart
My heart is a plane
The plane is in flames
Flames in my heart
My heart’s in my hands
My hand’s in the girl’s

Peacenick

I saw you with a red balloon
In the middle of a crowd
Of facist-hating facists
No smiling was allowed

Anarchy never looked so regal
I’d love you but it’s illegal
Sound and lights and energy
Plus sound advice thrown in for free

Peacenik’s gonna change the world
One person at a time
Peacenik’s gonna change the world
If he doesn’t change his mind

Preaching to the perverted
Bow before almighty noise
A picnic on the astro-turf
What’s not to enjoy?

Dancing in a minefield, girl
I got my shovelful
Will not love our neighbors, no
Until they’re lovable

This is not an attitude
It’s my personality

Pirate

All my clothes were dirty
So I threw em all away
Time for some new ones, anyway
I’d like to rob a bank
I’d like some help
Feel like I’m trapped in a book about someone else

I’m just sitting here waiting for a train
Tomorrow I’ll be waiting here again
While the pirate in me
Is lost somewhere at sea

Sometimes I want the world
Sometimes I want a girl
Right now all I want is a reason
Everyone thinks he’s crazy
Everyone is right
Everyone should sleep with everyone tonight

I’ve got a beard
I’ve got a gold hoop in my ear
It’s time to rape and pillage
Break the windows in this village

Poison Your Mind

Stumbling, fucked up and alone
Stupid, you answered the phone
Hello, I want to poison your mind

Upstairs, your aunt is insane
Who cares, she never complains
Oh, no, I want to poison your mind

And you know I even scare myself
Sometimes, sometimes
But that kind of thing can’t be helped
Sometimes, sometimes

Pressing all the spots that make you scream
Till I’m popping up inside your dreams
Baby, I want to poison your mind

Tell you stuff you didn’t know you knew
Make you want to make me want you, too
Lady, I want to poison your mind

And you know I even scare myself
Sometimes, sometimes
But that kind of thing can’t be helped
Sometimes, sometimes

Hold my hand if you can soon we start to mutate
I’m absurd, you’re disturbed, now everything is great
This is great

Wipe out, select memories
Give you a brand new disease
Darling, I want to poison your mind

Pride of Frankenstein

Every village has to have an idiot
Some harmless monster to soak up all our fears
Ours hangs at the Hartsdale Cheesery
Writing down the license of every car he sees

Lots of stories how he got that way
No one knows where he goes at the end of the day
We threw rocks at him when we were nine
Stared us down with the pride of Frankenstein

He’s got the pride of Frankenstein

Sometimes I feel like that village idiot
A babbling fool that children should avoid
My smile’s too wide, my shoes don’t stay tied
I can’t get a decent haircut to save my life

Baby it’s sad, baby it’s a fact
There are people with torches for people like that

This is a song for those who can’t sing
I want to buy you all a diamond ring
And if those diamond rings don’t shine
We can all share a jug of cheap red wine
And the pride of Frankenstein

R

Ruby Left a Present Underneath The Christmas Tree

Ruby left a present underneath the Christmas tree
Ruby left a package with a tag made out to me
It’s sitting there with ribbons on for all the world to see
Ruby left a present underneath the Christmas tree

The first time I met Ruby well my heart began to pound
It beat so fast I thought she’d ask, “Hey what is that sound?”
But she was with another so my love I had to hide
Now she’s bought me a present and I don’t care what’s inside

Don’t mind if it’s a book about Feng Shui or Jesus Christ
I’ll treasure it forever and I might even read it twice
I feel just like a kid when she treats me like a man
If I believe in Santa then anybody can

I don’t need no egg nog, don’t need no mistletoe
Don’t need romantic music playing on the stereo
When Ruby picked a present and then wrapped it up just so
She told me everything that I could ever want to know
I got just what I wanted
When she got something for me

S

Sandbox

It’s raining today
Left my car window open
There’s no place to park
It’s Christmas, Christmas time again

All the kids are crying
In this stupid mall
Nothing that I’m buying
Makes any sense at all

I can see myself in my sandbox
Nothing gets me down in my sandbox
Gonna spend some time in my sandbox

It’s a mean old world
There’s darkness neverending
Darkness inside me
I just stopped pretending

It’s always summer
On my bedroom floor
Brought the beach to my house
Won’t go outside no more

Raining today, no place to park, car’s out of gas
TV’s broke, your phone’s off the hook, faucet drips
Drip drip drip, this fog’ll never lift

Where is the sun?
There used to be a sun

Seasons in the Sun

(lyrics by Jacques Brel/Rod McKuen)

Goodbye Emile my trusted friend
We’ve known each other since we were nine or ten
Together we climbed hills and trees
Learned of love and ABC’s
Skinned our hearts and skinned our knees

Goodbye Emile, it’s hard to die
When all the birds are singing in the sky
Now that the spring is in the air
Pretty girls are everywhere
I wish we could both be there

We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun
But the hills we could climb were just seasons out of time

Goodbye Papa please pray for me
I was the black sheep of the family
You tried to show me right from wrong
Too much wine and too much song
Wonder how I got along

Goodbye Papa, it’s hard to die
When all the birds are singing in the sky
Now that the spring is in the air
Little kids are everywhere
Think of me and I’ll be there

We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun
But the wine and the song like the seasons have all gone

Goodbye Francoise my trusted wife
Without you I’d have had a lonely life
You cheated lots of times but then
I forgave you in the end
Though your lover was my friend

Goodbye Francoise it’s hard to die
When all the birds are singing in the sky
Now that the spring is in the air
With your lovers everywhere
Just be careful I’ll be there

We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun
But the stars we could reach were just starfish on the beach

Secret Handshake

Jumping up and down on public transportation
Moses in a dress is addressing the nation
I got plans for the man
I got the fire inside

Walking down Wall Street, raining businessmen
Hand some money to a cop cuz policemen are your friends
Searching for the Buddha underneath the apple tree
Who knows the words of wisdom and speaks them unto me

Maybe you think it’s funny
I’m one of those crash test dummies
Let me tell you I got business going on
Gimme ten grand or two tens
Spend it all on my friends
Babe my secret handshake is my song

Sitting in the park it’s a perfect sunny day
Even stupid pigeons sort of look ok
Old lady in a car makes a big mistake
Steps on the gas thinking it’s the brake

Happened very fast right before my very eyes
But it didn’t make any sense till I watched the news at five
Somewhere in Montana there’s someone who understands
Although we’ve never met, right now we’re shaking hands

Downtown in a gallery there was free food and wine
Big thoughts hung from the walls, some of them were mine
An usher said no pointing but he did not have a gun
Everybody cheered when the cardinal killed his son

If anything is art that someone pays you for
Then I have met Picasso, mistook him for a whore
Hate the corporate world but I shop there when I must
This is the secret handshake that means you’re one of us

Maybe you think it’s funny
I’m one of those crash test dummies
Let me tell you I got business going on
If you’ve got ten grand or just two tens
and spend it all on your friends
Then you can’t get this secret handshake wrong

Sin Tax

The change from his cigarettes
Was not what he’d expect
It’s annoying
Not the end of the world

It’s not the heat, it’s the stupidity
It’s not the drugs, did this to me

Inside each guilty pleasure
There’s a little filthy treasure
Let’s go diving for pearls
In an ocean of beer
What have we here?

No we don’t approve of this
So it will cost one dollar more
Nothing’s so important
We can’t adjust in a day or four

I’m either hungry or full
But I’m rarely satisfied
The groove is in the grave

Skyline

Stupid skyline, nothing new
Lazy people ignoring the view
Blinking red lights on top of you
So no planes will crash into

The stupid skyline I call home
Wandering these streets alone
Looking for a telephone
So I can call someplace my own

Left these words on your machine
And you asked me what they mean
And you asked me where I’d been
I muttered something bout the space between

The stupid skyline and what it represents
The empty dreams of it’s aspirants
Nobody owes anybody rent
Everybody is an accident

All the soldiers planting land mines
All the rich folks drinking fine wines
Crazy columnists with their precious by-lines
Rhapsodizing bout the stupid skyline

Soft Core

I’ve got a neat idea about the way that things could be
And I’d appreciate it if you’d listen to me
It’s not just drinking beer
Though I admit that that wouldn’t hurt
It’s about holding off the time we’re six feet under dirt
Fighting is bad and nuclear missiles are dumb
And it’s really sad we ever invented the gun
War’s a stupid thing
Everyone agrees
So let’s put down our weapons
And sing a song of peace

Pretty please with sugar on top
I’d appreciate it
Thanks a lot

There are those you’ll dislike
And those you’re bound to hate
But maybe just once
You should ask one on a date
You might only argue
But you might just learn something
You might dance awhile
You might join hands and sing
Not praying to a god who I’m not sure exists
If yours does, that’s cool
I hope that he’ll assist us
As we fight the good fight
Against all good fights
Bring us good days
And help us make it through the night

You might laugh at me
Say you’ve heard all this before
You might just turn away
And go back to your war
Then you’ll probably explode
And take me with you, too
I’m just saying that’s not a thoughtful thing to do
I know it’s not realistic
But I have to confess
It’s rationality that got us in this mess
I’ll be stupid for you
If you’ll do the same for me
We’ll hurl pies across the world
And change some history

Someone Else’s Jacket

I don’t have to light the cigarette
Cuz they haven’t noticed me yet
And I, I wanna look like that
Or a picture on your wall

I don’t have to light that cigarette
And don’t bury me I’m not dead yet
And I, I wanna look like that
Be a picture on your wall

I bought the coat
I wore the coat
I got lost in the coat
I never took it off

You’re the only person you hate more than yourself
You’re your own worst enemy
And you know you wanna look like that
Be a picture on my wall

Song For A Girl Who Has One

I could go east or I could go west
I can’t decide which way I like best
The girl at Stuckey’s her face was a mess
I could think about you but I’d just get depressed

Passing on the right a kid shoots me hello
I’m somewhere in the middle of New Mexico
I can’t push this truck over 85
And I’ll never get off of this highway alive

I’m on my way I’m on my way I’m on my way
I’m on my way I’m on my way I’m on my way again
I could turn around I could pick you up
You could ride in my truck I could show you lots of stuff

I could go north or I could go south
I can stop this car like I can shut my mouth
I have yet to find a sure thing that I don’t doubt
I can’t think of a thing I can safely think about

Did you ever drive at night blaring Chemical Wire?
Passing station wagons with engines on fire
It’s snowing in the desert and I don’t understand
I vote and I gloat but this land ain’t my land

If you were here I could look at your face
My mind wouldn’t race I wouldn’t feel so out of place
Down in Oklahoma everybody wore hats
They looked at me funny I got out of there fast
I missed a girl by missing her cats
I missed a guy with a sign that said “Mississippi Flats”

Sorry

Sorry, sorry
I wish I could say that I was
Sorry, sorry

Don’t know why I don’t like you
Don’t know why we fight
Bored and we’re waiting for
For that bright light

Laid waste to this place
It’s time to go to bed

Turn on the radio
All I hear’s that tone
Call up all my friends
No one’s home

Last one left alive
I live but I don’t learn

Sort of Haunted House

This house is sort of haunted
I’m not the man you wanted
It’s daytime now but I dread the coming night
The stuff that you kept hidden
And all the things I didn’t
Laugh at me when I turn out the lights

That lawn looks kinda crazy
Since you’ve gone I’m a little lazy
Still hear your voice every time that I come home
This man is somewhat stricken
I feel my heartbeat quicken
Smell your perfume on the mouthpiece of the phone

In my sort of haunted house
Your ghost’s in every room
But I am not afraid
Because I still love you

This house is sort of haunted
I’m not the man you wanted
Scrubbed the floor but the bloodstains settled in
I didn’t mean to astound you
The afternoon I found you
And I swear to God I aimed the gun at him

The judge acquitted me
My soul can ne’er be free
So I join you now in heaven or in hell
All will be repaired
When I step from this chair
I only pray that he’s not there as well

Starry Eyes

(by Will Birch/Jon Wicks, new verses by TMJ)
They locked the doors at twelve
as if there any cops nearby
They turned on all the lights and the taps are running dry
Old lady’s clearing glasses
we shout “One more” and then
as soon as you have finished we all
shout one more again

I don’t wanna argue
I ain’t gonna budge
Won’t you take this number down
before you call up the judge
I ain’t gonna argue
There’s nothing to say
Get me outta your starry eyes
And be on your way

Erase the video
we bribed the security guard
The rooms are paid for but on whose credit card
We didn’t make any phone calls
These towels aren’t worth a thing
Don’t blame me if the tv’s smashed
It had it coming

He wants 200 bucks
Well just write him an IOU
Something’s wrong with this world when clowns got lawyers, too
We fired everybody
Spent our night in the can
We must be famous if grandma knows
The writ has hit the fan

Stay At Home

I’m gonna stay at home tonight
I really dig this book
Ain’t gonna answer the phone at all tonight
I’ll teach myself how to cook
Stay at home
Stay at home
Lots of invitations if I wanted ‘em
Lots of cool clothes, too

Nightclubs, discotheques, got nothing for me
Why pay to be bored?
Baby this is free

Friday night
All my neighbors are out
Turn the stereo on if I want to
Turn it up real loud

I keep my shades drawn all the time
Nothing changes outside
All the action is in here, man
Everything has been tried

I might call my girl a little later on
If she’s got a tape to bring
We’ll both dance around a little later on
We won’t wear anything

Strong Thing

You and me and a couple of poets
Can talk about this but who would believe us
Tell me something that’s never been said
Got the world in my hands will I smash it to pieces?

Show me a millionaire
Who don’t play the lottery
Show me a DJ
Who don’t stutter in company

I’m taking your word this is a strong thing
Last time I did it was the wrong thing
You make me like country music
You make me doubt that I’m not stupid

I wrote you a letter
But I blacked out some words
It’s not worth explaining
Nothing you ain’t heard

But you can read my mind
Or we wouldn’t be here now
If you couldn’t read my mind
I couldn’t show you how

A baby’s crying on a park bench
That doesn’t matter this could be anywhere
You’re a liar in many universes
Thank god I don’t live there

Show me a magician
Any kid can’t tell’s a fraud
Show me a priest
Who knows that there’s a god

Sunroof

The sunroof’s open
And I can see the stars
And something else
That’s either a satellite or Mars
Yodelayeeo

The radio’s going
But all I hear is the wind
The dashlight’s broken again
Yodelayeeo

It don’t take much to make me happy
All these people look so miserable
It don’t take much to make me happy
One nation under God invisible

Gonna ride a rollercoaster
Gonna light off fireworks
Gonna love this whole world
Till it hurts
Yodelayeeo

Society is just a party
Our invitations must be lost
Noses pressed against the window
The glass frosts
Yodelayeeo

Susquehanna Hat Company

So she said fuck this town
Nothing’s ever going down
Spun herself round and round
Drilled herself into the ground
Twenty kids fell in that hole
I was twenty-one out of control
She crawled right inside my brain
She’s some mental hurricane

All you do is say her name
Everybody goes insane

So I said screw that girl
She’s the end of the world
I don’t like what she does to me
Makes me hate my memory
I said things I am ashamed
To the girl with three first names
She crawled right inside my brain
She’s some mental hurricane

T

Take a Lot of Drugs

Take a lot of drugs
You owe yourself some fun
Drink a lot of beer
I won’t tell no one
Have a lot of sex
Leave on all the lights
Play a lot of pool
Ignore the changing times

When the world ain’t your friend
And you ain’t got a friend in the world
Take a lot of drugs
And to another world you’ll be hurled

Take the day off work
Swear on live TV
Burn all your clothes
Roam naked and free

When life ain’t your friend
And your friends ain’t for life
Take a lot of drugs
And everything will be all right

Thanksgiving in Reno

At the $5.99 buffet
In Reno on Thanksgiving day
Nobody seemed to care
Why anyone else was there

Me and my buddy Jay
Watched bad cover bands play
Got little drinks for free
Kept betting on 23

We got drunk
We got sad
I met a girl who said
She could save me

She said, “I am a hug
I wrap around you and I scrub
You’re made of dirt my dear
I scrub until you disappear

That’s what absolution means”
She put a dollar in a slot machine
Three triple bars came up
We won six hundred bucks

We got stoned
We had sex
I had a dream about Evel Knievel

Some of this is true
Some of this is better

We got drunk
We got sad
Wish I met a girl
Who said she could save me
We got stoned
Didn’t have sex
Really had that dream
About Evel Knievel

That’s A Lie

(by J.T. Smith and Rick Rubin, extra words by TMJ)
I’m tired of the stories
That you always tell
Shakespeare couldn’t tell
A story that well
You’re the largest liar
That was ever created
You and Pinnochio
Are probably related

That’s a lie
Hey, that’s me playing harmonica
You’re a liar
Yeah, and I wrote this song, too
Really, I did
LL Cool J came over to my house one day
He heard me humming it
He said, “Hey, that sounds good”

You lied about the things
That you lied about
You even lied to your aunt
When you went down south
You lied and a body builder
Kicked your butt
If you was in Egypt
You’d lie to King Tut

Just one glass of wine with dinner, Officer
L.A., what a great place
No, Mom, I’m not on drugs
Of course I love you

My father said now son
Never tattle never lie
But I think he should have followed
Some of his own advice
I thought I’d own the world
When I turned twenty-one
That’s the last lie
Cuz now the song is done

Overbudget, us?
Hey, we should have lunch
It won’t hurt, believe me
I won’t come in your mouth

Theme Song

Meet our band of merry men
Shake the hand of every one
We’ll eat your food and steal your wives
Buy us beers we’re friends for life

We only shoot when shot at
We give away what we don’t need
We live for fun and freedom
We stamp out fear and greed

To create you must destroy
Smash a glass and cry Too Much Joy

We sleep on floors and live on crumbs
We’re a bunch of ugly bums
A great idea when we were smashed
Turning anger into cash

We ain’t seen much but we don’t starve
We drive around in our moms’ cars

Things I Hate About You

Took out my own stitches
And I think I did it right
That’s forty-five more dollars
I can go and drink tonight

You called me a monster
You called me a cartoon
Said you can see everything
In my little thought balloon

I remember mornings
You’d wake up and you’d scream
Demanding explanations
For what I did in your dream

there’s something you’re missing
and it’s something that I lack
I’m looking for another but
I hope you’re coming back

These are the things that I hate about you
These are the things I can’t stand when you do
These are all things I forgive oh yes it’s true
This are the things that I hate about you

I live to make you happy
And I long to make you smile
Haven’t for a long time
No, you haven’t for a while

There’s something you’re missing
And it’s something that I lack
I’m looking for another but
I hope you’re coming back

Train in Vain

The Playboy centerfold is younger than me
She likes family get-togethers and aborigines
I don’t think I can ever masturbate again
I don’t think I will ever steal that magazine from my father again

The playboy centerfold would never talk to me
Because I hate family get-togethers and I’m not an aborigine
I don’t think I can ever feel the same again
I don’t think I will ever sing about my father
I will never sing about my father
I promise not to sing about my father again

U

Unbeautiful

Irretrievable
Inconceivable
I am dutiful
But unbeautiful

Like the president
Or mini-series queen
You are happening
But what does it mean

Unbeautiful
We’re not thoughtless; we’re not cruel
We’re just unbeautiful

The air’s three shades of brown
We breathe we suck it down
Now it is a part of us
Don’t know when this began
I talk therefore I am
Someone tell me who to trust

All the hands that
I’ve been shaking
I would prefer
To be breaking

You are lying
For a living
You’re ignoring
Your misgivings

Underneath A Jersey Sky

You’re no Uma Thurman
Then I’m no movie star
Neither of us is strong
We can still split a car

We will never be famous
And we’ll never have kids
And even we won’t remember
Half the shit that we did

Like when I planted one on ya
Before your lips got loose
And I thought I heard booing
But they were just yelling “Bruce”

You sounded like you gave up
When you let out that sigh
But it still turned me on
Underneath a Jersey sky

I was born and I will die
Underneath a Jersey sky

Now we’ve got our own house
It’s even got a backyard
We can toss round a Frisbee
If we don’t toss too hard

I figure someone somewhere
Got my piece of the pie
And he wouldn’t be caught dead
Underneath a Jersey sky

W

Weak

I guess we should be getting back
Do you think that they’re keeping track?
I’ll probably blow this if I speak
But here I go, you know

I’m so weak, I’m so weak
I’m so weak, the world is for the meek
I’m lying in the grass, the world can kick my ass
I’m so weak

This is not a respected trait
But I expect it could be great
Someone just left this stuff behind
Let’s keep looking, never mind

I’m so weak, I’m so weak
I’m so weak, the world is for the meek
I’m lying in the grass, the world can kick my ass
I’m so weak

I don’t care if you don’t mind
Rub my face just like you’re blind
How do you look, let me light a match
How you gonna explain that scratch?

I’m so weak, I’m so weak
I’m so weak, the world is for the meek
I’m lying in the grass, the world can kick my ass
I’m so weak, I’m so weak
I’m so weak, the world is for the meek
Hate me for succumbing, you’re simply too becoming
I’m so weak, I’m so weak
The world is for the meek, lay my share right at my feet
I’m lying in the grass, the world can kick my ass
I’m so weak

What it Is

They say they built this fort 2000 years ago
A man named James carved his name in 1983
Congratulations, James
Now you’re a dick for eternity
I don’t know what your words for it are
I just know what it is

And so we chop chop chop
At the tree tree tree
Today I stopped and shopped
Inside the walled city
Congratulations, gentlemen
There was something there for me
I don’t know what your words for it are
I just know what it is

Wanna go back to fifth grade
But I’d be twenty-three
There’s a dream where I am naked
A dream where I can’t see
Congratulations, James
I’ve got you inside of me
I don’t know what your words for it are
I just know what it is

William Holden Caulfield

He called me William Holden Caulfield
It was no compliment
What’s wrong with William Holden Caulfield?

All the stuff that bummed me out ten years ago
Still bugs me today, and boy I wanna know
Who died and made you my mom, and me some stupid kid
How can you forget all those things we did

So keep on sleeping on
Until your hair is grey
When I turn eighty
I better feel this way

I’m afraid of people who like ”Catcher in the Rye•
Yeah, I like it too, but I don’t know why
People he’d despise say I feel like that guy
I don’t wanna grow up, cuz I don’t wanna die
When I’m thirty-one
Then keep living on
For fifty more years

I respect the man in Sunset Boulevard
Got a heart somewhere just won’t let down his guard
Doesn’t trust happiness or the bad luck that it brings
He’s lonely and he’s cold, and he’s proud of these things
I said I’m cold
And I’m lonely
I’m proud of these things

Worse

I don’t sleep anymore
Every passing car just sounds like dropping bombs
And I’ve read all the books
You can see it in the stars and it’s written on our palms

That things are getting worse
People are having shootouts in the middle of the road
I feel like Harold in his hearse
I’ve got to go to Idaho

It’s got me on all fours
Generals running round like crazy dinosaurs
In the USA
We’ve got freedom for sale every day

Planets are lining up
California’s gonna slide into the sea
It’s the third great woe
It’s the thousand year peace

No one wants to hear
Spoon-feed me the good news forget about the rest
Lemmings never fear
I repeat this is only a test

I’m much better now
I was down there for a while, I guess I saw the light
It was crazy, anyhow
No worse than before, I guess you folks were right
Yeah, I’m much better now
Pass me the chips, turn up the radio
I guess I saw the light
It’s five more miles till we get to Idaho

Y

Years

Things you should’ve said are running through your head
What you could’ve shown to the people you have known
They don’t understand why you’re getting out of hand
You’d like to explain, but it would take years

Go walking in the rain to wash away the pain
Wash away the dirt and wash away the hurt
Getting depressed as you’re getting undressed
It’s nothing new it’s been going on for years

And you’re being swallowed whole
By just what you don’t know
And it’s snapping at your heels
Now you know how hard that feels

Lying on your bed pretending that you’re dead
Feeling kind of bad bout what you have and haven’t had
Too much has been going wrong for twenty years too long
It’s only all your life it’s only all your years

Go swimming in the sea to drown the misery
Fill the emptiness and kill the something less
Swim back to the shore with forty problems more
It’d be almost funny if it was someone else

You Will

It’s never winter here
We just wait for it to rain
There’s a lever in a locked house
To make Lagunita drain

Invisible ray in the palm of my hand
I point at the things I wish to command

Have you been faxed at the beach?
You will – and you will not be scared
Have you felt our awesome reach?
You will – and you will not be scared

We’re viciously polite
There’s just no end to our means
Always thinking bout the next meal
Down and out in limousines

Have you not felt incomplete?
You will – and you will not be scared
Have you worshipped at our feet?
You will – and you will not be scared

We’re very whimsical
So our pond is named Lake Lake
It’s both the best that we could do
And as real as we can take

Invisible ray in the palm of my hand
I point at the things I wish to command
Controlling machines I don’t understand

Have you ever wanted this?
You will – and you will not be scared
Have you ever known such bliss?
You will – and you will not be scared

Seen our logo on the moon?
You will – and will you not be thrilled?
Tried to unpop a balloon?
You will – and if we say you will, you will

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